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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 11:14:20 GMT -5
I joked in the infamous librarian thread that I was going to start a thread for letters we'd like to send, but haven't and won't. Well. I'm going to kick one off just for fun and see if it flies. Ground rules: (1) Obviously, this is for fun, not for personal attacks on members. If you aim one at a fellow member, make sure they're in on the joke and will laugh with you. (2) It can either be entirely joking or have an element of sincerity (e.g., aimed at a politician you feel deserves to be chastised) and include sincere criticism, but (3) it should include an action you have not in fact taken but that you feel (or pretend to feel) would appropriately jibe with your criticisms of the person/entity, as well as actions you suggest that person/entity take in place of the ones you don't like. (4) it should include at least one cite, though it can be a silly one if you like. (5) It should open with "Thank you." (6) It need not be in Courier font, but of course, mine will be, since that is the only font that will truly convey my heartfelt angst.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 11:40:03 GMT -5
Dear Woman Who Wheels An Enormous Carrier Bag Full of Stale Bread to Riverside Park Every Damn Day to Feed the Fucking Pigeons:
Thank you for caring so much about the well-being of our Riverside Park wildlife. I am impressed by your taking so much time every day to collect massive quantities of stale bread and feed it to the pigeons that infest our public park and festoon it with their droppings. Now that their numbers have mysteriously increased, I'm sure they require that much more food to sustain their growing population.
However, there are a few facts of which a lot of people are not aware. First, bread in general, and especially the white processed bread you are so industriously gathering from the garbage bins of local supermarkets, is not actually good for birds. Moreover, feeding birds is bad for the park environment for many reasons, including the fact that a diet of human food changes the chemical content of bird droppings, which in turn affects, e.g., the algae that feeds other wildlife. Then too, believe it or not, the birds will not starve -- they are well-equipped to find better sources of nourishment in nature. Taking that aside, feeding birds in public parks is not in fact encouraged because, believe it or not, many people do not enjoy having their park benches and picnic areas covered in any more bird droppings than nature would ordinarily make inevitable. For all of these reasons, the parks department discourages people from feeding wildlife. www.nycgovparks.org/news/daily-plant?id=19779
And there is another concern of which perhaps you are not aware. Riverside Park has recently endured an alarming increase in rat numbers and activity. Normally furtive nocturnal creatures, they can now regularly be spotted in playgrounds during daylight hours, even boldly jumping into strollers to obtain stray Cheerios from toddlers. newyork.cbslocal.com/2017/08/09/upper-west-side-parks-rats/ This rapid increase has been attributed in part to bird feeders such as yourself scattering vast quantities of bread, which feeds rats as well as pigeons. Because rats are a public health hazard, city authorities then poison rats, which in turn endangers the hawks that populate the parks. www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20120412/upper-west-side/rat-poison-blamed-series-of-red-tailed-hawk-deaths
Thus, even if you do not give a damn about people and their concerns, you might consider that your actions are in fact harming the birds about whom you claim to care so much.
In order to do my own small part to help local wildlife, I have taken it upon myself to reduce the park's rat population in an environmentally-friendly way. I have humanely trapped several hundred of them and released them in your home, where you can more easily feed and care for them. I suggest you contain your future efforts to feeding them directly.
You're welcome.
Warmly,
CassandraW
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Post by Amadan on Oct 9, 2017 14:32:03 GMT -5
In order to do my own small part to help local wildlife, I have taken it upon myself to reduce the park's rat population in an environmentally-friendly way. I have humanely trapped several hundred of them and released them in your home, where you can more easily feed and care for them. I suggest you contain your future efforts to feeding them directly.
It's a shame you're too cool to hang out with D&D nerds. Cassandra Rat-Catcher would be a totally awesome nickname. |
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Post by Optimus on Oct 9, 2017 15:46:23 GMT -5
Hello Darkness,
My old friend, I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.
Cheers,
Opty
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2017 20:06:28 GMT -5
In order to do my own small part to help local wildlife, I have taken it upon myself to reduce the park's rat population in an environmentally-friendly way. I have humanely trapped several hundred of them and released them in your home, where you can more easily feed and care for them. I suggest you contain your future efforts to feeding them directly.
It's a shame you're too cool to hang out with D&D nerds. Cassandra Rat-Catcher would be a totally awesome nickname. Oh, I'm nerdy. Just for the nickname, perhaps I should develop an interest in D&D. Hello Darkness,
My old friend, I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.
Cheers,
Opty Hmm, well, no citations, but on the other hand, it's in Courier font, so I must give you full marks. I hope Darkness heeds your words of wisdom. |
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Post by robeiae on Oct 10, 2017 8:51:23 GMT -5
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Post by Rolling Thunder on Oct 10, 2017 18:42:16 GMT -5
Ya know, I understand you mods can only do so much. Chihuahuas are like cockroaches and they just get into everything. Dead Batteries are the body lice carried in by said cockroaches. Not a lot you can do.
But hatted poets?
That's just a new low for this place.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2017 19:15:14 GMT -5
Ya know, I understand you mods can only do so much. Chihuahuas are like cockroaches and they just get into everything. Dead Batteries are the body lice carried in by said cockroaches. Not a lot you can do. But hatted poets? That's just a new low for this place. Oh, we've got worse problems than hatted poets, RT. We've managed to contain poetinahat and we've got haggis on a leash. But the batteries have worked their way into the walls and floor boards. Angie says there's pretty much nothing we can do but burn the place. |
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Post by poetinahat on Oct 10, 2017 23:04:02 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2017 23:52:50 GMT -5
See, RT? We bound and gagged the hatted poet so all he can do is give us dirty looks. We tried that with the battery, but it's damn hard to tie up a smooth-sided cylinder. |
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Post by Rolling Thunder on Oct 11, 2017 6:56:10 GMT -5
Is it just me or is he glaring in iambic pentameter?
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Post by robeiae on Oct 11, 2017 7:31:15 GMT -5
Looks more like a haiku.
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