Post by Christine on Jun 16, 2018 0:05:27 GMT -5
Yeah, it's kind of like hearing the words I love you. You should know you're loved by family, but you need to hear it.
One of the things about this stuff is that logically, you can know something. You can understand that a fear of something is irrational, or that thinking you are a horrible person is wrong, but that doesn't stop you from feeling that way. Your brain gets wired to believe certain things.
My foster daughter was talking to me recently about how she feels. She's dating a very nice guy who is very patient, but he came from a nice family and doesn't get the trauma she came from, sleeping with a knife under her pillow and such.
So there are times he's like, "But you know you can trust me.
It's not that she doesn't understand that she can, it's that she's wired to not trust anyone. It's a struggle.
I didn't have any specific event in my past, that I know of, that contributed to my evilly wired brain, but I have an evilly wired brain nonetheless. Example -- I'll never forget this -- when I was in a graduate accounting class, a very difficult one, and not helped by a professor with a thick accent, there was a difficult exam, and I nailed it. I got the bonus questions too and so my grade was like 112 or something, the highest by far, and the teacher commended me in class, and I was embarrassed but also SO PROUD, and I remember driving home, feeling so freaking great, and then BAM, instantly, the feeling was gone, like someone had turned off the power and I was in the dark. Like, dark, dark. I went from being high on the feeling of accomplishment to wondering what was the point of life or living, feeling like there was nothing, NOTHING to live for, in a matter of seconds. I was later diagnosed bipolar II. Makes sense, but at the time, no matter how much you had told me in that dark moment that I was smart or accomplished, it wouldn't have mattered. It's crazy. Brains are crazy fucking bastards sometimes.