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Post by Optimus on Nov 24, 2017 19:53:25 GMT -5
Don't go. If they take that as some sort of personal insult, they're shitty friends and you don't need them.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 13:08:14 GMT -5
Well, I guess I have a full range of opinion to choose from here.
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Post by robeiae on Nov 25, 2017 13:40:47 GMT -5
Don't go. If they take that as some sort of personal insult, they're shitty friends and you don't need them. We're just having fun here, but I wanted to address this, because I think it's missing something. I remember getting invited to kid's parties and the like when I was younger by my friends who had kids sooner than me. I went to these things--more often than not--because they were thoughtful enough to still include me, despite the fact that I had no kids. And after I had my first kid, I would invite some of my friends who didn't have kids or maybe weren't even married to kid-events (like birthday parties) on occasion, as well. If they didn't show up, I didn't take it as an insult at all. But if they did show up, I thought that was great and--imo--was something that strengthened our friendship, as I hope was the case when I was the one getting invited to these things.
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Post by robeiae on Nov 25, 2017 13:46:51 GMT -5
And with respect to what I just said:
Show up, bring a gift, but excuse yourself early because [insert intelligent reason here], and thank her for including you in this "wondrous event." It's an hour away, is there anything else nearby that might catch your fancy? Are there other friends nearby who you could go see?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 14:01:33 GMT -5
There's nothing nearby (it's the burbiest of burbs) and between the subway, the train, and the cab,it's more like two hours to get there. Also, it being the weekend, there are long waits between trains.
Minimally, four hours round trip just for travel time, if I time all the connections perfectly. Probably more, since there will be inevitable waits between the subway connections (45 minutes to safely get to Grand Central, given the subway connection), safe time to buy a ticket and catch the train, waiting for cabs when I get there, and so forth. To be totally safe about getting to the ceremony on time on a weekend, I'll want to leave by 7 a.m.
If this were in the city, and I could just go for a couple of hours, I would definitely suck it up. The angsting is largely because it is my entire day, most of it spent in travel.
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Post by Optimus on Nov 25, 2017 14:22:51 GMT -5
Don't go. If they take that as some sort of personal insult, they're shitty friends and you don't need them. We're just having fun here, but I wanted to address this, because I think it's missing something. I remember getting invited to kid's parties and the like when I was younger by my friends who had kids sooner than me. I went to these things--more often than not--because they were thoughtful enough to still include me, despite the fact that I had no kids. And after I had my first kid, I would invite some of my friends who didn't have kids or maybe weren't even married to kid-events (like birthday parties) on occasion, as well. If they didn't show up, I didn't take it as an insult at all. But if they did show up, I thought that was great and--imo--was something that strengthened our friendship, as I hope was the case when I was the one getting invited to these things. I mean, sure, maybe. If the person is a very close friend, I'd say all of that makes sense. If it's not a close friend, regardless of whether the people have known each other for years or not, then I don't think much of that really applies. From my experience, the only people without kids who enjoy getting invited to the birthdays/bar mitzvahs/bat mitzvahs etc. of their friend's kids are females, and even then they only really seem to enjoy it when the kid is a baby, and mostly only when the invitation is from a best friend who is a new mother or if it's a member of their own family. I have a lot of friends across a wide age range, and I hardly know any (without kids or, hell, even with) who actually want to go to someone else's kid's event. My ex-roommate (female) is in her mid-to-late 20s, has no kids, and gets invited to other people's kid's events often, and she hates it, for all the reasons that Cass listed in her first post and then some. Hell, my mom has always complained about that type of thing as has my sister, and my sis has 2 kids. I don't think I'd be too far off if I guessed that most people complain about these things behind closed doors. If your baby or little kid is having a thing, it makes sense to invite friends who have babies / little kids, because the babies/kids can play together and there's a type of shared experience happening there among the parents. But, even then, the main people who would actually want to show up tend to be females. I can't think of one guy I know who enjoys going to things like that. I'm single and have no kids and even if my best friends invited me over for their kid's thing, I can think of a million other things I'd rather be doing than that. But, my best friends would know me well enough to know I wouldn't want to go to something like that, so I seriously doubt they'd invite me to something like that anyway. It's understandable why people would invite as many people as possible when their child is a baby, because babies don't have friends and new parents love to celebrate the fact that they have a new child. And who doesn't love babies? But, if the child is old enough to have friends of their own, there's little reason to invite anyone other than that child's friends and their parents. Inviting people who don't know your mostly-grown child (like in Cass's case) is just plain stupid, and seems to be done mainly to make the event artificially big and get the kid more presents. From a mental health standpoint, I think it's better to not go if the person really don't want to. It's just gonna cause that person unnecessary stress/anxiety, and you should (almost) always put your own anxiety and mental health needs before other people's. There's also the non-mental-health kind of cost/benefits you have to factor in. Celebrating a thing for a friend's kid who you don't know that requires a 4 hour trip, plus the monetary costs of that trip, plus the stress and monetary costs of going out and buying a present for a person/kid you don't know, plus the discomfort of hanging out with a bunch of adults you don't know, all for a friend who isn't your absolute best friend or a close member of your family? It's a big inconvenience, it costs time and money and increases negative mental health outcomes. There's nothing about that situation that seems worth it at all. Friends don't guilt friends into hanging out with their kids and buying that kid a present, especially if the kid is over the age of 3 or 4, and especially if you don't even know the kid.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 14:32:47 GMT -5
To note, I will likely be the only person there without spouse and kids.
And all day long, I will get asked about whether my spouse or kids are there, and likely receive unsolicited advice and/or sympathy about my lack thereof. It is annoying and yes, a bit stressful, depending on my mood.
Plus I will be shuffling around inserting myself into conversations with all these couples I mostly don't know.
And yes, I get invited to a TON of people's kids' events. One person I know invited me to all of her childrens' birthday parties for seven straight years. (She finally figured it out.)
I go to the first birthday party for the first kid. After that, if I'm not related or the godmother, the kid can celebrate without me.
But as I said, I do know that a bar mitzvah is special, and not just any birthday party. And sometimes it isn't about one's own personal enjoyment.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 14:47:26 GMT -5
Hey, Opty -- wanna come with me? We can punish the booze, eat all the food, and hang in a corner talking about non-kid and non-religious stuff. (I'm kidding, of course. I'm not invited with a plus one. But having a single buddy there would help. ) To note -- my friend mentioned that she'd planned to invite a good friend of hers who happens to be a single gay male, but he'd said "gaah! no! kids! religion! not my bag!" (Heh. He's actually Jewish, too. ) Too bad, from my perspective, since I've met him and he's lots of fun. I would have enjoyed seeing him again and we would have been moral support and entertainment for each other. She cut him slack (indeed, she was amused), essentially because he's a guy, and partly, I think, because he's gay. But I think she'd regard my having a similar response a bit differently.
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Post by michaelw on Nov 25, 2017 19:05:02 GMT -5
oy vey.
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Post by Optimus on Nov 25, 2017 20:35:53 GMT -5
Hey, Opty -- wanna come with me? We can punish the booze, eat all the food, and hang in a corner talking about non-kid and non-religious stuff. (I'm kidding, of course. I'm not invited with a plus one. But having a single buddy there would help. ) I'm in a whole 'nother country, yo! Unless the bar mitzvah is gonna be relocated to the Leafy Land of Syrup and Snow, I'm afraid I'll have to take a rain (snow?) check.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 20:52:48 GMT -5
You wouldn't travel a few hundred/thousand miles just to keep me company at a one-day event where you'll know no one and that even I don't really want to attend?
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Post by Optimus on Nov 25, 2017 20:55:51 GMT -5
You wouldn't travel a few hundred/thousand miles just to keep me company at a one-day event where you'll know no one and that even I don't really want to attend? I wouldn't even do that for my own sister.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 21:12:24 GMT -5
Sigh.
I guess that leaves me with Rob, then.
Rob. Put down that selfie stick and get some clothes on. You're going to a bar mitzvah.
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Post by poetinahat on Nov 26, 2017 18:45:57 GMT -5
Rob. Put down that selfie stick and get some clothes on. You're going to a bar mitzvah. So they're not Reform then.
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