What to say when someone dies

Keep it simple. There is no "right" thing to say that makes anything better -- the important thing is simply to be there for them.

e.g , "I'm so sorry." "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know care about you and I'm here for you." Don't try to get creative. Seriously, simple is better.

If you knew the person who died: say something nice about them and how much you valued them. Say how much your friend meant to the diseased person (one of my father's friends said "you know you were the light of his life, don't you?" That meant a lot.

DON'T: Bring up god or the lack thereof unless you know the person's religious beliefs! Don't give unasked for advice! (Unbelievable how many people wanted to tell me what to do about my dad's remains.) For God's sake don't make anything approaching a remark on how anything was all for the best!! ("At least he didn't suffer." Gaah! YES HE DID! Don't say it!)

If feasible (like, you live in the area), DO go to the funeral and wake. Ask if there's something practical you can help with (my mom and I barely had time to eat, much less cook, in the blur of getting the funeral and such together -- some friends dropped off food and I really appreciated it). DO call in the weeks after the funeral to check in now and then. Sometimes you feel worse after all the bustle of the funeral is over. You don't have to say anything in particular. Just "hey, was thinking of you, and thought I'd give you a call." I promise, it will be appreciated. No sage words about death are needed. It's just good to remind them you're there and they aren't alone.

Anyway. Generally speaking, once you get out the basic "I'm sorry," let them lead the way. They may want to share funny memories. They may want to cry. They may be too distraught to talk. Do the best you can to figure that out and go with it, but seriously, if you just say " I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm here for you", it is ample. Simply letting them know you care is what matters.

But do get over the awkward and call her. I have to say, I was really hurt by the friend who just avoided the hell out of me for months after my dad's death. People do it with those who have cancer and such, too, sometimes -- they don't know what to say, so they dodge the grieving/sick person. And the fact is, no one knows what to say! All that matters is the simple fact that you are there.

yes, that may be true. As long as you do call, it's ok to wait a day or a few. You're right that she'll be busy.  

My ex fiance died (after we broke it off, but still) at the age of 33 in a terrible accident that made national news. I was mourning myself (despite the breakup, he'd been a huge part of my life), was good friends with his brother, and adored his mom.

At the funeral, I was pretty much just "god, I'm so sorry." (And actually, I didn't call before that -- I just went. I knew they were engulfed.) But a week or two after the funeral, I had a long phone conversation with his brother where we shared old times. I wrote a long letter to his mom in which I told her how much her son and her family had meant to me, and sharing some memories. She really appreciated it.

You may not be in a position where you can do quite that, but my point is, in the immediate wake of the tragedy I kept it very simple -- I followed it later with more.

I should note -- when my dad died, a few people just sent cards or even just emails.  You know what? That was ok, too.  What was important, really, was that the sent some expression of sympathy. The wording, the form -- that  really didn't matter (except for the relatives who wanted to instruct me on the proper Catholic things to do with corpses. I. Did. Not Ask.)

Me too, so I definitely sympathize. 

I thought what Cass said above seemed pretty sound. The point about brevity is especially key, IMO. Not only does it make it easier for you to deliver the message, it also makes it easier for the other person to digest it. 

What Cass said about follow-up was solid advice, as well. In my experience, a brief message of condolence not long after the event will at least open the door and make it easier to follow with something more substantive later on, when it seems the time is right for that. 

Best of luck. 

One final bit of advice -- don't try to force them to discuss their sorrow if they are not inclined on the theory it's better for them. Keep it simple, let them lead the way.

After my dad died, I had one old grade school friend I hadn't seen in years keep calling and saying "you need to cry on the shoulder of an old friend. Don't hold it in. CRY!" Nix on this approach! It's not helpful. She'll choose her times and places for crying. Grief is a weird thing. It isn't constant. You'll be going along fine and then, boom, it hits you. And it can show itself in different ways. So, let her cry if she's inclined. But if she wants to tell a funny story about how he was always losing his iPhone, go with it.

I guess I'm just saying "keep it simple"" ten different ways, but I promise you can't go wrong with that.

I should note -- three of my friends flew across the state to come to my dad's funeral. I barely had time to exchange ten words with them, and I sure as hell don't remember what they were. But I really appreciated that they cared enough to be there.