Brie Larson TSA Tweet

Those of you who've known me from a prior website might recall that I personally actually DON'T freak out and get all insulted if a man asks for my phone number or tells me I'm beautiful on the street -- UNLESS of course he does it in a way or situation that feels threatening, ugly, insulting or makes me feel pressured in some way, or if the guy doesn't take a polite no or my walking away as an answer.  I hasten to say, that's me.  That doesn't mean I don't understand why other women don't like it, and I would caution the men in my life to be hep to the fact that even well-meant advances may not be appreciated by women. But I personally have a sliding scale reaction that ranges from feeling mildly complimented to "fuck off you asshole" to "OMG, I'm fucking freaked out/terrified"  that entirely depends on the situation.

So. With all that said.

This actually was a very inappropriate situation for the guy to do this. A TSA person has the ability to make your life pretty ugly if he chooses, to pull you aside for additional examination, even prevent you from getting on your plane. In that way, they have power over a traveler, which makes this more analogous to a boss making the moves on you than a random guy in the supermarket asking for your phone number.   Declining could potentially have bad consequences, and whatever his intentions, the woman really couldn't know them. Even taking that aside, there's the fact you're stuck dealing with them whether you like it or not.

I personally would not get worked up about my starbucks barista asking for my number (that's me), but you know what? I'd be a little freaked out if a TSA agent did it for the same reason I'd be freaked if anyone in a position to make my life better or worse did it.

So I'm team "I totally get why Brie didn't like this. TSA agents should not hit on passengers they are screening, period.  They can find their dates elsewhere."



Story time. Not long ago, my living room air-conditioner died (a window unit), and I had to replace it. Because I wanted someone else to install it (I need a sizable one, and I needed the old, seriously anchored unit removed), I went in physically to a local store to buy it.

When I was bartering over the price of various units, the guy suggested I could get a more expensive unit if I installed it myself or got my boyfriend to help me. I joked, "well, I'm between boyfriends, and I'm not sure it's worth it to acquire one just for this."

Big. Mistake. The guy clearly took this as a sign I was interested in him, and though we continued to discuss air-conditioners and prices, he kept slipping in personal questions (which I pushed right past) and compliments. Thing was, I was already in a place where I was going to get a damn good deal on that air-conditioner and installation by the time we got there, so I kinda didn't want to walk away. So I did the compromise of just becoming extremely businesslike rather than friendly. Trust me that I KNOW how to freeze, if a guy can take half a hint, I have some confidence in myself, so I figured I could handle it.

This, alas, did not discourage him, and after he ran my credit card, he asked if he could call me. See, he already had my phone number because it was on my customer file. And he knew where I lived. Not. Cool. It made me very uncomfortable indeed.

I said no. I left the store. And I've been weighing ever since whether I should have said fuck it to the deal and walked out when he started to make me uncomfortable. Or should I have reported him to his boss (which I didn't) -- I don't know their policy on this kind of thing. To tell you the truth, I spent until the installers came worrying that it might be HIM coming to install it, and I really didn't want him in my apartment alone with me. I came close to calling and asking, but compromised by asking a friend to hang out with me while I waited so I wouldn't be alone. And if he was that aggressive in continuing to pursue it in the face of my frigid, businesslike replies...

Here, I submit, is something a guy would never have to worry about.

Again, I wouldn't freak out if it was another customer in the store. He doesn't have my phone number. I'm not trying to negotiate a business deal with him. I can tell him to fuck off without losing anything. So unless he's getting ugly or won't leave me be, his interest doesn't threaten me. Again, other women may differ.

But to me, this TSA agent is worse -- I'm always a bit anxious going through TSA screening and so are a lot of people. I've been pulled aside for the whole pat down thing and badly delayed. Most of us have, and most of us know that it's a bad idea to rub a TSA agent the wrong way.  TSA agents need to stay professional, always.

Actually, I'd say this is true even if the woman affirmatively hit on HIM. Who's to say she isn't smuggling something (dangerous or otherwise) and trying to flirt her way past him.

Team Brie.


ETA:

Second story time.  A couple of years ago in my gym (to which I'd belonged for years, by the way), a new trainer offered me a couple of free training sessions.  I accepted.  We exchanged phone numbers in case one of us needed to cancel or reschedule.  That's normal -- I've done it with other trainers.  He seemed perfectly nice -- indeed, charming.

Well.  Long story short.  He used it to call me and ask me out.  I declined. 

He didn't like that.  He sent me repeated text messages until I blocked him, telling me I was a snob who thought I was too good for him and that I'd led him on.  (Oh, and again, he knew where I lived, since it is on my customer file at the gym.)  This was actually kind of scary and obviously unacceptable, so I reported him to the manager.  She, by the way, was also new -- had started a couple of months ago -- and though many of the employees knew me well, she did not.  She found the guy charming (he was very good looking, by the way, and had a certain charisma) and he was apparently excellent at getting new clients and bringing money into the gym.  So she pooh-poohed my concerns and did not reprimand him.

I quit the gym.  

You know what?  If he'd just casually asked at the gym if maybe I'd like to grab coffee some time, I probably wouldn't have freaked out.  But you know what again?  Now if a trainer does such a thing, I'm probably going to be freaked out because this guy was such a scary, nasty asshole.  

And that, my friends, is why women sometimes get upset by seemingly harmless advances.  And why it's probably better if a guy be very cautious and laid back in approaching a stranger he thinks is pretty.  I'm not saying NEVER do it (it's possible for two strangers to hit it off and something blossom from it), but be aware of how many previous assholes your average woman has met who started off being perfectly nice. 

It's not like the guy asked her to give him a naked massage, then watch him shower.

Of course, when you do these things, you get rewarded with an Oscar. Or two.

Sure, he can't fire you, but if you decline, he could find a "reason" to find you suspicious, have you pulled back for a body pat or extensive questioning, etc.

I know from some experience that you don't need to be in the least suspicious to have that happen -- I'm a petite white well-dressed female with a ridiculously clean background, and am a frequent flier. I know exactly how to pack and how to act in the TSA line. And yet I've had some really bad experiences with airport security where they decided to run me randomly through the mill for no reason.

I have a REAL problem with strangers thrusting their hands down my pants, feeling my crotch, running their hands through my hair, talking apart my bag and examining my panties and tampons. And all of this has happened to me, without my having anything suspicious with me or any good reason to think I present any danger at all.

As a matter of fact, a couple of months ago, I finally sucked it up and went through the background check, fingerprinting, paid the fee, etc. so I could go through the TSA pre-check line. I really fucking hated doing this because I feel about as strongly as Don could that I don't WANT to give this damn info to the government and I have yuuuuge problems with the TSA procedures (not to mention I think most of them are useless at best as well as intrusive and tedious). But it makes it less likely I'll be pulled aside for one of the TSA's "massages". (It also speeds things up considerably at the airport, you don't have to do the stupid liquids thing, you can leave your belt and shoes and suit jacket on, but I likely wouldn't have done it just for that.)

ETA:

I sometimes think TSA agents pull me aside precisely because it's hard to say they did so out of prejudice, just to say "See?  No profiling here, nuh uh.  We're not just targeting brown people and muslims, not us.  Nope."

Or it's my Hispanic last name...  

you've gouda brie kidding me.

It's probably partly that if you fly often, you'll get chosen more often -- a pure percentage thing.  

But honest to god, I think sometimes they've pulled me out precisely because I'm pretty obviously the opposite of suspicious, and don't visibly fit any tired stereotype thereof, just to show how they are Not. Profiling.  Like when they pat down 90-year-old grandmas in wheelchairs or five-year-old kids.  All I know is, I have been pulled aside more than pretty much any of my friends. Few of them have experienced the hand down the pants thing.  

(I really, really, really hate the TSA.)

By the way, I understand that they have stopped doing the random allowing you to go through TSA pre-check now.  They want to encourage more people to apply, pay the fee, sell their soul to the U.S. Government, etc.

ETA:

total derail/

The other random thing that happens to me, FAR more than to anyone I know?  Getting called for jury duty.  Without fail, the very DAY I'm eligible again, they call me.  Every two years, like clockwork.  But I know a ton of people who have never been called.  It's bizarre.  Also annoying.  Like, yoo hoo, New York, maybe you guys could, I dunno, spread it out a little?

Frankly, I've seriously often wondered if that has anything to do with my Hispanic name.  I say that because every time I go, the room is disproportionately filled with people of color.  I am serious -- it's noticeable.  Perhaps NYC wants jury pools that lean minority?  Or maybe white people are more prone to making excuses to get out of jury duty than people of color?  I just don't know.  I only know that I get called a lot, while my other friends don't, and every time the jury selection room has a noticeably larger proportion of people of color than I would think could be accounted for by mere random chance.   And the one thing I've got that all the friends that don't get called don't have (we're all voters, etc.)?  An Hispanic last name.  

I bitched and moaned last summer because I got selected for grand jury duty, which in NYC takes a solid MONTH of your time.  But one good thing -- if you complete grand jury duty, you are exempt from being called again for the next 8 years.  Unless I move.  I guess I'm not moving, just for that.  I guarantee, though, that in August 2024, right on time, they'll be calling me. And my friends will probably continue their streak of never getting called.  Grrrr.

Yeah, but his cheese puns are better.

Parmesan me, but it's hard to believe there are an abondance of such people.